Orgasm as coming

Relaxation orgasms.

Dodson describes this type of orgasm as coming not from a build up of tension, but from deep relaxation during sexual stimulation, where you continue to release tension and relax your muscles and eventually the orgasm sneaks up on you. As opposed to the "peak orgasm" Dodson cites Shree Rajneesh, a Tantric sex master and author of Tantra, Spirituality and Sex, who refers to these kinds of orgasms as "valley orgasms."

Combination or blended orgasms.

Ideally orgasm is a fluid process (no pun intended) and if sex play lasts long enough you’ll get to enjoy more than one experience during orgasm, which can be called a combination orgasm. For Dodson, who has been teaching women to orgasm for over 40 years, combination orgasms involve a specific set of actions, including: "clitoral stimulation, vaginal stimulation, PC muscle contractions, pelvic thrusting, and breathing out loud." One could broaden this definition to include orgasms that offer a variety of experiences and opportunity for you to pay attention to the different waves of orgasmic feelings.

Multiple orgasms.

While female multiple orgasms are more often talked about, both men and women are capable of having multiple orgasms. Dodson distinguishes between multiple orgasms and the "aftershocks of pleasure" that follow a big orgasm, which some people might call orgasms, and which allows them to count 20 or 30 orgasms a night. One of the pitfalls of multiple orgasms is the trap of waiting for them and having anxiety about whether or not you’ll have them. Do either of these things and your attention will be taken away from the pleasure you’re feeling, which is a waste of an orgasm whatever number it comes in.

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Peak orgasms

Pressure orgasms.

Dodson ties these to early childhood experiences rocking back and forth or masturbating by squeezing your legs together. This orgasm comes from indirect stimulation, no rubbing, but instead applying pressure (by leaning heavily against or on something). As children we may engage in this kind of self soothing and sex stimulating behavior even if it doesn’t result in an orgasm the way we think of them as adults. A study published in the journal Pediatrics in 2005 took note of this very common form of self stimulation, particularly in young girls. Some adults may bring this behavior into their sex lives and have orgasms from it.

Tension orgasms.

This is the orgasm that comes from direct and intense stimulation usually while you are holding your body and muscles tight and tense, and holding your breath. Dodson considers tension orgasms the most common, favored because they are quick and dirty. She also calls them "peak orgasms" as they offer an intense build up followed by a sudden release. Tension orgasms could be our default because of early sexual experiences, which are often secretive and quick. It’s often been suggested that for men, premature ejaculation is a result of learning early on how to get aroused and orgasm quickly. For women too, early experiences can influence later ones, and Dodson encourages people to try to experience more orgasms beyond these, even if they do do the trick.

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Are There Only Two Kinds of Orgasm?

It's near impossible to get researchers and scientists to agree on a basic definition of orgasm. So if you're looking for a simple answer about how many different kinds of orgasms there are, you have two choices. You can read any of the thousands of self-help books that give you simple answers, which are essentially fairy tales, about the 2, 9, or 101 kinds of orgasms you can have. Or you can deal with the messy truth, which is that an orgasm is something that defies simple explanation.

Of all the ways that people categorize orgasm, my least favorite is the fad orgasm. These are the orgasms created for marketing purposes to sell a book, DVD, or sex toy, which may be true for the one 'sexpert' who is telling you about them, but may not ring true for you or anyone else.

Rather than thinking of orgasms like products you can buy in a store, marked economy, medium, or deluxe, I prefer to think of orgasms like snowflakes; no two are alike, they’re free, they melt in your mouth, and not even the weather forecast can predict when they’ll come.

Having said that, if you're not having orgasms or don't know if you are having orgasms, or if you're eager to learn more, it can help to get a sense of how others are breaking it down. Here are some ways people have distinguished types of orgasms.

Clitoral versus Vaginal Orgasms

This distinction was popularized by Sigmund Freud, who linked orgasm to our psychological development. A clitoral orgasm is brought about by clitoral stimulation and a vaginal one through vaginal penetration. Freud argued that clitoral orgasms were characteristic of the young and immature, and vaginal orgasms represented the healthy female sexual response. As such, a woman who could only have orgasms from clitoral stimulation was stuck in her development. This theory has been largely discounted, although there are still a few curious (and not surprisingly male) researchers desperately clinging to the idea. An additional problem with this distinction is that it doesn’t describe how the orgasms feel or what their detailed physiological or psychological effects are, it focuses on the method of achieving orgasm only.

Betty Dodson's Taxonomy of Orgasm
In sharp contrast to the psychoanalytic understanding of orgasm, author, sex activist and educator Betty Dodson has described at least nine different kinds of orgasms based on her own experience and her experience working with people for over forty years on having orgasms (often in the room with them while they're having them).

Dodson’s descriptions of orgasm which she outlines in her excellent book Orgasms for Two are still guided by her own biases, which favors genital stimulation, and while she discounts the experience of some women, these descriptions offer a great starting point to discuss the multitude of ways people can experience orgasm. In contrast to medical and in particular Freudian descriptions of orgasm, Dodson focuses on the experience of orgasm, what it feels like, and not just the mechanics of what makes it happen. Below is a summary of some of her orgasm types, with some of my own comments.

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Experience orgasm

Different Types of Orgasms

When it comes to orgasms, one size definitely does not fit all. And while you should avoid trying to compare your experience to someone else’s, it can be helpful in creating your own sexual definitions to hear how others, particularly those who spend their lives thinking about sex, have chosen to distinguish different types of orgasms.

Improving Your Orgasm Experience.

It’s a happy fact that the more orgasms you have the more orgasms you’re likely to have in the future. So whether you’re looking for immediate gratification or long-term payoff, learning more about your orgasmic potential will likely bring satisfaction on several levels.

Fake Orgasms

Fake orgasms are the topic of countless whispering conversations and questions: How often do people fake orgasms? Are women the only ones who fake it? How can I tell if someone is faking it? And what if I’m faking it and want to come clean?

Orgasmic Disorders

Given the lack of sexual knowledge we're raised with, the amount of anxiety our culture has around sex, and how little science knows about sexual response, it’s not surprising that orgasms don’t always come naturally. Both men and women can experience orgasmic disorders, which may be temporary or lifelong, general or situation specific.

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Is orgasm the physical rush and release?

Orgasms are thought of as the final destination of every sexual encounter. Ironically, the pressure we put on ourselves to have orgasms can seriously get in the way of us having them. If we spent less time worrying about orgasms and more time learning about them (that’s hands on and hands off learning) chances are we’d all be closer to having the kind of sexual pleasure, including orgasms, that most of us crave.

What Is an Orgasm?

Is orgasm the physical rush and release? Is orgasm a psychological feeling of abandonment? Is it the spiritual transcendence the French refer to as “the little death”? Before you start to worry too much about having the right orgasms, enough orgasms, and better orgasms, take a few minutes to consider how you define orgasm for yourself, and how researchers define orgasm for all of us.

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Explaining or listening to each other

Improving Sexual Communication

Many of us have difficulty talking openly and honestly with our partner about sex. And while the spotlight is usually on the person doing the talking, being on the receiving end of a sex talk can also be anxiety provoking. One result of all this sex talk discomfort is that when we do finally get around to talking, we aren’t that clear about explaining or listening to each other. Consider it a huge game of broken telephone -- only it’s not a game, and the quality and health of your sex life depends on it.

This week's sex tip is about fixing the broken telephone you've been using when it comes to your sex life. As a first step, consider these three statements that are true of all types of communication, including sex talk:
What you want to say may be very different from what you actually say.
What you actually say may be very different from what your partner thinks you said.
Both you and your partner hear things through your own personal and complicated filters, and this influences what you hear probably as much as what the other person is actually saying.

Let's see how this works in real life:

You might want to say: ”I don’t think we’re having enough sex.”

But what you actually say is something less direct, like this: “Why don’t we have more sex?” or ”I wish you weren’t so turned off by having sex with me.”

Your partner may interpret that as you saying: “There’s something wrong with you because you don’t want to have sex when I do.” or ”I want to have sex with other people.”

With all this confusion, where do you even start? Not surprisingly, you need to begin at the beginning. Make sure that what you say comes out clearly and that what your partner hears matches closely, if not exactly, with what you intended to convey. It's a process called reflecting.

All you do is agree to let each person talk without being interrupted. Once one person is done, the other person repeats back what they heard, as accurately as possible. This isn't an easy thing to do. It can feel silly and awkward, and it takes some back and forth before you both agree that what was heard is the same as what was said. Once you've reached an agreement, switch roles. The other person now gets to talk about how they are feeling, and the first person does the reflecting.

You can either set time aside to try this with your partner. Or, the next time you're having what feels like an important conversation, stop and give this a try.

At first, reflecting back what your partner just said before you respond can seem painfully slow, especially when all you really want to do is defend yourself and move on. But as you practice, you'll both get better. Plus, it can be a good thing to be forced to slow down in a conversation. In the end, you both benefit when you both get heard and feel as if you've been given the opportunity to say what you feel.

The next step is getting better at saying what you mean. But that's for another week.

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